Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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