I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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