Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
