where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
