Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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