i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
