This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize