He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
