what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
