hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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