dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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