White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
