Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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