you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
