I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
