Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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