i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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