how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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