your parents love me but you hate me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
