I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
