watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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