this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i drank out of a bidet.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Your shirt... Was in my pants
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
