I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
