I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
