You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
