I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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