So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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