i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
