Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
