Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
