So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
