Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
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My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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