Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
