We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
