I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
