he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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