our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
