I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pants are for mortals
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
