He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
