My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
