i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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