My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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