I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think i got beer on your cat.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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