Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
