I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
