o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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