he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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