He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This house was built for laser tag.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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