This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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