i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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