My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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