There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
