No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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