we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
