You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My liver is preforming stress tests.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
