I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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