they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just gift wrapped bread.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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