I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
