I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
