Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
