Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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