he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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