The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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