My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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