i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
