i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
